I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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