remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
