We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
