I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
