I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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