Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
