My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
