On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
