I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
