I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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