i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
