So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
