guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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