Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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