I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
