:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Randomize
