apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
