apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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