worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
