Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize