but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
