Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
