I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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