She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
