White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
