her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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