I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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