I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
