420 ftw
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
