i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize