If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
are you so shy because you have an std?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
