i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
