I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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