stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
