dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Vodka?
Forever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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