...so i touched it.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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