Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Randomize
