Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
