Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
