...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
