dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
