I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
