y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
