Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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