I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
