I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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