Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
