im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
