Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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