You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Randomize
