i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
