Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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