I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
