Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
