Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
