I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
