Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
