There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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